#why am i panicking about this
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RealAgeAU Drabble - Crush Gossip
*slides in with a grin* I am here and we are here for a special installment. @spotaus get in here friend!
Blue centered drabble :D
Just as promised :3
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Blue moves the cleaned plates towards the cabinet before returning to the sink. He puts the whiskey glasses in and starts washing them carefully. He really enjoyed the night and their little gyftmas celebration.
Even if some aspects could have gone better. Or not happened at all.
Blue loves Dream. He really loves his best friend. But Dream needs to stop trying to help him by getting Ink to notice him.
It is fine.
A yawn and Blue doesn’t look away from the water “You are up early.”
His brother yawns as he joins his side “You are up early.” He sounds grumpy “You are already finished cleaning?”
Blue nods as he takes care to wash the smaller glasses “Of course. I know how to handle my liquor.” And he shoots Stretch a grin before frowning “Don’t you want to sleep in? Alphys will oversleep today so not notice you skipping work for a bit and Chara isn’t meant to arrive until a few days.”
Stretch huffs unhappily “Yeah yeah I know.” he yawns again as he leans against the counter as he ignores what Blue said to ask his own question “Dream and Ink out already?”
Blue shrugs “Yeah. Dream had to go again or Core would locate him again… and Ink… Well I am pretty sure Ink left midway through the party.” Blue saw how ink had checked his phone before quickly tugging his phone away and packing his things and leaving.
It stung a little.
Stretch nods as he takes the towel before waiting for Blue to finish the first glass so he can dry “It was nice to have them over.”
Blue laughs and nods “It was great!” he smiles.
Stretch chuckles before toying with the first glass “sorry it didn’t… work with Ink.”
Blue pauses before shrugging “It is fine. It isn’t like it is a surprise.” Blue had already known there was no interest anyway.
Stretch frowns at him “Blue… I know you… I know you were excited to have Ink over. You are allowed to feel disappointed.”
Blue sighs as he gives the next glass over “It isn’t a big deal” he rushes to wash the other glasses.
Stretch frowns at him “I disagree… Blue you-”
Blue pushes the last glass into his hands “There! All clean! If you can finish that up I will go to quickly fix our puzzles!”
Stretch doesn’t make a move to dry the glasses “You just said Alphys will sleep in anyway and not notice.”
Blue nods as he puffs his chest “Doesn’t mean I have to skip too! You enjoy your morning! Make sure to drink a lot of water and you know where the medicine is and-” and Blue gets stopped by magic by the front door.
Damnit he is blue now.
Stretch speaks calmly “Blue. I want to talk about this. Now.”
Blue sighs but doesn’t fight the magic and let it guide him to the couch. Stretch puts the glasse son the drying rack and joins him.
Stretch leans back against the couch ���So… the mistletoe… Did Dream tell you he was planning that?”
Blue groans and shakes his skull “No… I didn’t even realise Dream added that with decorating… I found out when he pushed us under it and pointed it out.” he rubs his cheek “If I had known I would have removed it.”
Stretch nods as he leans back “Why? I thought you like Ink?”
Blue sighs as he waves his hands “I do! But it is more complicated than it just being a matter of me liking him!”
Stretch nods along and waits as he looks at him expectingly.
Blue stares at him before crossing his arms “Ink blocked my number… I don’t know why.”
Stretch looks shocked “But I thought you two were friends?”
Blue rolls up more “We are… I don’t understand why… I wasn’t even asking anything out of the ordinary or weird. Just asked him how he was doing and if he wanted to hang out with Dream and me… When I didn’t get a reply for a few hours I send him another message to ask if he was busy. Only to get an automated message back stating the number I was trying to reach had me blocked.” It was a thing they all agreed on with the multiverse phones. That if you blocked someone they should be able to know. Mostly because if it is an emergency so you don’t waste your time with messaging someone who won’t ever see your messages.
Stretch frowns “Yet… he came to the party?”
Blue shrugs “Just because Dream asked…” Dream had asked for Blue but Blue wouldn’t be surprised if Ink just wanted to come because of Dream. Blue can’t really blame him for that either. Dream is a god like Ink. And Blue is… well very mortal.
Stretch leans back “huh… strange.”
Blue sighs “Not that strange. Dream can be very convincing when he wants to be.” Which is putting it mildly.
Stretch laughs and nods “I noticed… No the strange thing is that if Ink really didn’t want to be near you he wouldn’t have gone to a private Gyftmas party in your universe.” Stretch raises a brow “Sure he has a bad memory but he should know that at least.”
Blue frowns and shrugs “I guess… I just think he wanted to be near Dream.” Which he honestly isn’t mad about. Disappointed maybe but not mad. It isn’t like it is Dream’s fault and Dream is really trying to get Ink and him to hang out. It isn’t Dream’s fault if Ink prefers to be near him over Blue.
Stretch hums “I guess.” He shoots him a curious look “Why do you even like him?”
Blue groans as he searches for the words “It is hard to explain? I don’t even know when I started to feel like this. At first I just admired him I guess? He was a protector. Of the multiverse at that. It was just… He was what I wanted to be. Someone who did good and protect people. And then I learned he didn’t just protect others but also made more worlds? He was just… He was just the coolest person and I admired him and then I got the chance to travel with him and Dream and I just… those feelings got so much more when I got to know him.”
Stretch snorts “How? He almost destroyed our world… Why like him still?”
Blue frowns as he rubs his arm “I guess… I guess it made him look like just any other person… someone who can make mistakes. He felt more real to me after that. It also helps he helped clean up that mess and made sure our world came back the way it was meant to be.” Blue sighs as he rubs his hands “Him and Dream… After you they were the only ones who believed I could do this thing. That I could protect people and everything.” Blue doesn’t know when exactly he started to feel what he feels for Ink.
Stretch hums before groaning “It is just… You are so out of his league!”
Blue blinks and stares at Stretch “What do you mean? He is a god! I am me.”
Stretch nods “Exactly! He needed all those godly powers and stuff to do what he does. You don’t. You are amazing all on your own Blue. You always believe the best in people and believe everyone deserves another chance. You are willing to look past mistakes, the situation with Ink even proves that. You are always willing to help others. You don’t believe in killing anyone but will protect those who need it. Blue you are an amazing person. And I just can’t see how you could like Ink and why you are afraid you aren’t good enough for him.”
Blue feels so embarrassed. It isn’t as if Stretch never compliments him. Hell he always says he is the most amazing every other day. But that felt more like… brothers just being supportive. This feels like more. Maybe just because it is about Ink?
Blue mutters “It doesn’t matter… He hasn’t wanted to hang out with me alone for ages now…” he sighs as he crosses his arms and lays them on his legs to try and relax.
Stretch frowns as he thinks “Maybe he… remembered what he did and feels guilty?”
Blue huffs as he looks to the side “He would have to choice to feel that. He needs his paints to feel… Look I knew from the start this crush was hopeless okay?” he hugs his legs closer “And it isn’t his fault he can’t feel like normal monsters can… or that he lacks a soul… I don’t blame him for any of that. That would be stupid. I know he has no interest in me like that…” it is why Blue feels so bad about Dream trying to help set them up.
Blue laughs as he rubs his socket as he feels the itch “If he likes anyone it would be Dream as Dream used to be able to make him feel things at least a little… Now however? I don’t know.” he lays his cheek on his leg.
Stretch frowns before nudging their shoulders together “Well… We can’t know either way. They are gods. Hell if we know what their reasoning is.” He smiles “Maybe he is just busy or distracted? And he accidentally blocked your number?”
Blue shrugs but lets himself lean against his taller younger brother “I guess.”
Stretch hums as he leans his skull on top of his “My point still stands. You are allowed to be disappointed.”
Blue shrinks in on himself “It is just stupid. I knew it was never going to work… Even if he felt anything for me it wouldn’t work as he is a god and I am not.” And he doesn’t want to be an outcode. He can’t give up his world and brother. He already almost lost both once before and he can’t deal with that. “It is just…” he feels sad “I just thought maybe he wanted to send some time with me… that we could just enjoy some time together as friends. But I guess even that isn’t that important to him anymore. Maybe it never was.”
Stretch leans heavily on top of him “You don’t know what he is thinking Blue. Maybe he really is just very busy with god stuff. Don’t you always say that you can’t assume what other people are thinking?”
Blue feels embarrassed but nods “I do… It is just… hard sometimes…” It just makes him feel worse for not being able to follow his own advice.
Stretch hums “Why not tell Dream? That you appreciate his help but know it isn’t going anywhere?”
Blue sighs and mutters “Because I did but Dream doesn’t believe in anything being impossible.” Stupid gods and their meddling.
Stretch laughs “I can imagine. Why not tell him it bothers bothers you?”
Blue shrugs and mutters “I don’t want to worry him. He is already dealing with a lot and well… It isn’t like a stupid hopeless crush is that bad of a situation…”
Stretch hums “I guess…” He thinks for a moment before grinning “Wanne see if we can meet up with the others? Just the six of us to explore some unsuspecting universe?”
Blue blinks and grins at Stretch “Seriously?”
Stretch grins and shrugs “Paps and I haven’t bothered Edge into relaxing for a while. It will be good for that stick in the mud.” He grins.
Blue blinks before nodding “Yes.”
Stretch grins as he pulls out his phone and starts texting “You get dressed. I will start up the machine.” And he blinks out of view.
Blue goes to his room and gets dressed. His hands pausing on which bandana to wear. His hand hovers over the grey one with beautiful blue details. He had gotten that in a present the year before and Blue never figured out who gave it to him. He had hoped that… well it doesn’t matter now. Blue quickly grabs his normal blue bandana and rushes down to meet up with his brother.
Stretch grins as he holds up his phone “I got confirmation from everyone that everyone is down. Sans is setting up the coordinates for us already and Edge is bringing snacks.”
Blue smiles as he wiggles in place. It will be nice to just enjoy some time with his dear friends. Just to take his mind of his hopeless love life.
Hell maybe he, Edge and Paps can go clubbing! That has been a while and will be nice to relax and let go a bit.
The machine starts up and a beautiful green portal opens. Stretch and him step through to enjoy a day out.
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#utmv#realageau#Swap Sans#Blue Sans#swap Papyrus#Stretch Papyrus#Blue has some issues with his crush#He knows it is silly to like someone who is soulless but sadly you can't pick who you like.#Blue honestly has accepted it but is just a bit sad about it.#He also gets why a god wouldn't be interested in him.#Dream does not agree. blue is the best and by the gods dream is going to make ink see this#Stretch meanwhile doesn't get WHY blue even likes ink :/ guy is a mess and a half and that is stretch saying it#So stretch decided to take Blue on a trip to their OG friends and the six of them are going to relax and have fun.#In my heart original Tale Fell and Swap will always be besties#No the groups don't understand why they like hanging out so much and why the friendship works.#Waht else... oh right!#Ink: ... what do i do?#Error: Why do you ask me?! he is your friend! Just message him!#ink: I cant :/#error sighs: why not?#ink: ... i blocked his number.#error: ... WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!#ink: I panicked!! How do i explain i suddenly feel stuff slightly now that i am like god ascended?!#Error: .... just tell him?!#ink: I can't! He already doesn't want to be Dream's acolyte. Dream's! You know. His bestie?! Why would he even hang with me after my messes#Error just so done with all the dramas he gets mixed up in. He wants to watch them. not be involved.
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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See, I hold back when I write. It could be far angstier than it is. I could be handing out forehead kisses left and right. Forehead kisses as someone cries and bleeds after a battle. Delirious from blood loss and pain and needing reassurance. Forehead kisses when they know their squadmate is going to die. A parting gift. One last way to comfort them, to remind them they’re loved.
I’m just saying I could make things more painful than they already are.
#whump#space chatter#the bad batch#the clone wars#<- it is always about the clones my man#tears streaming down someone’s cheek#breath coming out panicked and short#whimpering that they aren’t even aware they’re letting out#and someone holding them#brushing sweat dirt and tears kff of their face#shushing them with a gentleness they rarely show#‘it’s okay you’re okay don’t even worry we’re getting you out of here’#they know it won’t happen#they know it’s the end#but they hold their dying brother and rock him to comfort him in those last moments#and when the coughing starts - spattered with blood - they place a gentle kiss on their forehead#tell them it’s okay. it’s okay to let go.#and only when the body in their arms goes completely still do they let the agony show on their face#I TOLD YOU I COULD MAKE THINGS ANGSTIER I GO EASY#why is my brain both going: write this about echo and Rex while also going bUT WOULDNT THIS BE PAINFUL WITH HUNTER THO!#echo holding Rex#echo holding CROSSHAIR?!?!#but for some reason I am like 👀 but Hunter tho#I don’t put him through enough whump#apologies for the afternoon angst I am a Menace
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In the DA:I trailers for Vivienne and The Iron Bull's, we see that the explosion of the Conclave was visible from almost-certainly Orlais for Vivienne and from what could be the Storm Coast for Bull. Meaning that the Breach is possibly visible all the way from Haven to at least both those places.
But. How does that work?? Scientifically? How far up the sky and how big would the Breach have to be for this to be possible?? Is the Breach set in space?
#please tell me some nerds (respectful) have already discussed this#i need someone to do the possibly mind-boggling maths so i can say 'oh wow. no wonder everyone in thedas was panicking'#wave posts#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#dai#da:i#da: inquisition#if you're wondering why am i wondering this#it's bc i was thinking about hawke seeing the explosion from far away as well#and being like 'fuuuuck well i'm gonna have to go see that don't i?'
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"Tonkla has sex with a sense of panic," a friend of mine said yesterday when we watched ep3 together and
Yeah.
#idk why it was such a revelation when they said it#but it's so fucking true#I'd felt like I'd said it all about Tonkla while the show was airing but I guess not#and it's glorious because it's not that evident at first glance#like if someone is to be described as panicked or on edge it's Win#but yeah no Tonkla's needs are so many he desperately wants them fulfilled#and in retrospect it shows#rewatching 4 Minutes for a second time with a bunch of friends has been fun and very enlightening#hope there are some people from the fandom still here#because I sure am and will continue to be#4 minutes#tonkla 4 minutes#wintonkla
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I've been trying to work on my shit lately, but unfortunately it brings stuff to the surface and you can flip from being perfectly fine to just feeling like you're barely containing an overwhelming tidal force of garbage that could come pouring out at any moment if you don't keep a lid on it.
The purple here is all the garbage that you thought you'd already dealt with, and it's still there but it's calm, solid, just part of your story and how you came to be you.
And then suddenly it isn't in the past, it's right here and you're not even sure why you're panicking or what caused it, you're just crying into your breakfast and trying not to post cryptic emo notes on socials or ruin your friends day by trauma dumping all over their morning.
Anyway I'm a cool person who totally has their shit together if anyone asks. Totally self assured, totally handled, let's crack some jokes together.
#thedoodles#art therapy I guess#I just want to be chill and live a chill life why is that so hard#I am so tired of panicking about stupid shit#it's handy that the only people who follow me on tumblr are tumblr people and not like........... you know work people or something#so sorry you get my worst side
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i hate making calls and sending texts and emails just let me live in peace
#the way this phonecall is stressing me all day#and I know the person who's gonna answer it and she is very kind i dont know why i am panicking about it#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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i should be asleep byt im thibking about william and david again and how they just. Are. theres a world where william grew up to be not exactly like his brother, but so so similar. its. there was so much manipulation going on but so little lying. thats how david was able to get william on the backfoot like that- he just kept using the truth against him and let william’s own ideals do the rest of the work. the biggest lie was the omission of the heart attack risk. when i relisten to greyscale i am going to be listening very carefully for how david talks about it and i bet im going to find very very few promises of safety and more promises to let them go once theyre injected. he’s a fucking slimeball. he made his brother put his hands in an alien chest just to make sure he wouldnt be the only one blamed if things went wrong. he didnt seem to understand why vyncent and william were so upset about cantrip. he kept apple juice in his office and gave william a hug and he went home to check on their parents immediately after william warned him how dangerous things might be. he said the truck would wait. he trusted william to get the samples back from vyncent. Everything he fucking does oozes with self-interest and double intentions but fuck me, man. he fucked william up so much because of all the places that theyre similar. in another world william could have been like him. and that means that in another world he could have been like william too
#pd spoilers#am i comprehensible No and can i be also No#its that fucking. cantrip was william’s first kill#and so he panicked and spilled all the beans#but what if she hadnt been?#If she hadnt died then william would Not be doing super hot#and where theres a chance for someone to get eorse there is also a chance for someone to be better#i want to know why david first had someone killed and whag he felt about it#and i want to know how he felt about it
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i feel like i cant handle being alive
#idk why my thoughts have just been so so bad lately#i catastrophize about every little thing and try to think ahead and ways to fix the worst possible scenario and its driving me crazy#and i cant even stop myself from doing it bc on some level the thoughts im having are logical BUT IM JUST GETTING MYSELF WORKED UP#FOR NOTHING!!! literally earlier i was panicking about my job offer getting rescinded bc i asked for extra time to get a reference letter#and then i got called an hour later from the nice hr lady with her being like 'yea everythings fine :)'#and NOW im worrying bc my past boss hasnt replied to my text asking him to be a ref for me and im worried theyre gonna rescind my offer#bc i only have 2 out of 3 references#like literally worst case scenario is i apply for more jobs but AHHHHH#is there a word for this bc its absolutely driving me bonkers!!! why am i always Thinking
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My conspiracy theories about Regulus Arcturus Black walked so that my conspiracy theories about Kate Middleton and King Charles could run.
#i was never a conspiracy theorist before but i sure as hell am now#conspiracy theories#conspiracies#and look at me now#not wanting to sleep in case staying up late in the US means I'm still up for UK's morning news#kate middleton#king charles#princess kate#my theories:#William hurt Kate in some unforgivable way#Charles is dying#william needs to abdicate#george is next in line for the throne but he's too young#so he needs a regent#only it can't be William#no way harry agrees to it#(i think that's why he showed up for a meeting in another country and stayed for only 45 mins)#(he said no)#it can't be Andrew aka if dead dove: do not eat was a living breathing person#so they're panicking about who could serve
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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I think I'm insane
#I've liked plenty of media over the last year why is it the gay rocks cartoon that is making my brain scrongly#obviously I am cringe and free but couldn't I be cringe and free about something currently or at least recently airing#[frothing at the mouth] destructive powers as protective powers panicking and turning inward#marina marvels at life
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I love talking with my older cousin. She is a psychology student. We talked for like 3 hours today over cookies and a smoothie. She is really invested and supportive of me getting an evaluation so the whole talk went something like this.
I say something and she replies “that sounds very adhd you know”. And not for like stupid stuff but like real stuff you may not realize on your own. So having someone point it out really helps.
One example I said was that people deny that I have adhd because I can sit through a class or a meal somewhere with friends because I learned that walking around while doing it is rude. She replied with “that is masking. Like the whole definition of it”. And someone like my mum would say that it’s normal and all children grow out of habits like walking around during dinner. By walking around I mean I would literally walk around the table, taking and taking a bite every time I get to my plate. I did that for a few years as a kid.
We also got into the topic of autism. I never suspected it in a million years but after 2 people asked me about it in 2 weeks this summer I got way too suspicious. So now I’m also asking about that at my psychologist appointment in 2 weeks. I paid for that, it wasn’t cheap, they better test me for anything I ask for.
#personal#zoey talks#the people who asked about autism were a person with autism and a freaking psychology student#I am not joking here I couldn’t sleep for a few days#my brain never even went in that direction of thought#but there are some signs of it#it may just be overlap from other things but it may not#that’s why I’ll ask so I know#and don’t spend more time panicking pver have I convinced people I have adhd but it’s actually autism
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my brain is being strange
#help????#what the hell#what the fuck#heh?#gay squared#lgbtqia#mental health#soup#what the fuck man#queer#idk what else to tag#whatever#wait what#like huh#can my brain stop#stfu vital organ needed for me to live#tags are off the walls on this post#why am i posting this#if anyone asks me what this is about i might just die#what im panicking about is off-limits anyways#what the flip#im sorry#so normalcore#why are there so many tags#okay whatever im just gonna post it now
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K but does someone want to explain to me why when there's an actual emergency im just vibing on my phone and going about my day. But as soon as I have one minor inconvenience I'm ready to throw in the towel and hide until the sun goes away
#adhd#?#anxiety#autism#??#which one is it#and why#trauma?? is it trauma??#i just want to be normal. im more stressed out about my homework than i am about this thing thats happening#and dont get me wrong im not IGNORING this thing thats occuring#im aware of it and trying to stay updated#but its like ?? im confused over “not panicking”
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My mom is like "You don't need both the TV and the radio turned on :/" like she doesn't understand that the whole point is that the inside of my head is so loud that the only way to fight the 'inside loudness' is with 'outside loudness' but :') this is fine I'll just keep going insane :') no need to worry about me :')
#I took my meds so hopefully that helps dial down the inner loudness a bit but I'm not optimistic tbh#if I'm too worked up then they don't work as well on me#idk why I just feel like I've been going crazy all day long!!!!#I'm losing my grip on things and everything feels wrong and fake#I feel so bad both physically and mentally#I'm really hoping it's just from not getting my injection yet and it'll all go away once I get it again#but I mean it's true I'm also mentally ill so idk?#for sure it's been feeling even worse than usual for me though and idk why that would randomly be happening now#and like. 2 severe headaches a day every day is not normal for me#waking up panicked from vivid nightmares literally EVERY night is not normal for me#I am extremely exhausted both physically and mentally and literally do nothing but still feel like shit#I get headaches when I wake up but they usually go away but the ones I've had recently are debilitating and won't stop#like I had to skip an online meeting because one had me feeling so terrible I just couldn't power through#I keep feeling like I'm going to die like just drop dead finally#even though that's illogical but it's how my body is making me feel#idk it just sucks#kind of tempted to ask on reddit about it but like#people go on there to share the worst of their experiences and I have enough health related phobias already#I did enough skimming to find out that it probably *is* from missing my injection though#ughhfuhfh
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